Monday, January 31, 2011


jan. 19th - the phone call that shook our expectations of how God was in the miracle making business. The opportunity to possibly adopt a baby boy due in 3 weeks.

jan. 19th-jan. 22st - the longest 4 days of my life. I had already lost hope, though the feeling was so right. I was being spiritually attacked and told one night in prayer the 21st that this baby is God's work to be used to glorify him. I knew God shared this with me because I was going to be apart of his life. It was good. It was peace I felt. Paxton means peace, and quite fitting too.

jan. 22nd at 4:30 pm. - the phone call to meet for lunch.

jan. 23rd at 1:05 pm. - the lunch, you know the one that rides on first impressions and many curiosities...the one where life has the potential to change forever.

jan. 24th at 4:40 pm. - the mom dinner (birth mom and me). I didn't know it yet but I felt it all over my spirit that this woman and I were created for the same purpose that was joined with this baby. Connected, attached, spiritual, God written all over it-kind of dinner. His presence was in that place...angels were in our company, life was going to change..then she said it...the baby was entrusted with us. What was more beautiful was after that we sat on the same side of a booth and shared pictures, our writings and giftings and spiritually united a bond between us. I'm indebted to this woman and I loved every part of it.

jan. 25th - I heard his heart beat - you know the one that reveals the life of this entire experience..all of that for this heart took my breath away. I didn't cry - I thought I'd cry - but I only found myself smiling...I couldn't stop smiling. Where did this joy come from..This, whatever it was I had never felt was like healing joy..I literally felt it all over my body.

We talk every day, me and her. We love her and she loves us. Not 'love' like I love pancakes and peanut butter, but 'love' like I'll give everything I have for you kind of love. And in the midst of it all, everything is coming together - the house, the homestudy, the legalities, the fees....and the support, the love Ben and I have is mind blowing. I lay awake at night balling like a big baby in thankfulness that we are so loved and that our friends are strongly moved by the birth and the adoption of baby Pax. God's timing is impeccable..Lord forgive me for thinking otherwise.

I know Paxton will be a testament of God - of who He is - a provider, an inheritance giver, a healer, a giver of JOY, God who's timing is perfect, God who wants His children to love Him and be blessed.

Ephesians has been in my head and is what motivated this blog. This morning I decided to read it start to finish and was stopped in the first chapter..a revelation - a God meeting (when I don't deserve it but because Christ himself qualifies) it it slowly, word by word..and then tell me He isn't good to us..faithful and WANTS to bless us.

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be ADOPTED as his sones through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has FREELY given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordances with the RICHES of God's GRACE that he LAVISHED on us with ALL WISDOM and UNDERSTANDING. AND he made KNOWN TO US the MYSTERY of HIS WILL ACCORDING TO HIS GOOD PLEASURE, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment - to bring all things in heaven and earth together under one head, even Christ. IN HIM we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the PLAN OF HIM WHO WORKS OUT EVERYTHING IN CONFORMITY WITH THE PURPOSE OF HIS WILL, in ORDER that WE, who were the FIRST to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." Ephesians 1:4-12.

So many truths in that. But all to say these few (because some I believe were from God to me personally for healing and leading).

1. He first chose us. He desires us to CHOSE beautiful and He desires your choice to love Him. As if we were worthy of calling to Him this way - yet He waits, humbly. Our God waits...for us.

2. We are all adopted (how fitting) because of Jesus and LIKE Jesus. Because of this He FREELY gives to us..

3. He LAVISHES us will all wisdom and understanding that WE may know what He has called us to.."know what his will for your life is - his perfect and pleasing will"...Seek and He is faithful to FREELY GIVE and ANSWER and DIRECT.

4. God does everything TIMELY and in ORDER (v. 12) that we who were FIRST to HOPE in him will be a testament to our family, our friends, our loved ones, our children. Are you the first in your family? Are you the first in your group of friends to come to God? You are to be a HOPE and a testament of HIS glory. I'm the first believer in my intermediate family to give my life to God's calling and not be ashamed of it and now my parents and siblings will know HIS goodness - because of his LAVISHING...Pax will be our first child...he too will be a testament of God's faithfulness. LIVE in victory and find yourself believing the truth of these scriptures - that you will not live defeated - for that is NOT from God...but in EVERY circumstance...LIVE in VICTORY.. You are less likely to stay in that circumstance long if you do.

Pax because of your birth mom, through God's goodness and mercy - Ben and I have an inheritance. You are beautiful Lisa. He shines all over you and I am grateful.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

if this is her...who carries him...

...i'm speechless..which if you know a trait i often rarely possess

    you have to be confused. i commend your desire to give him safety and peace. i admire your heart for wanting more for your son...desiring greatness for, love, soundness....

i can't sit by and wonder if you will chose heart races wondering what you think of me as you look at my husband and my pictures...

..i'll open my heart and take this risk because i know i can be IT for him. my husband and i we love greatly and are loved greatly...your baby boy would be connected to that love. i'm essentric and ben is always logical, i'm creative and ben's a peace maker, we're lively and energetic, we have a million people who support us... there's so much of who we are that i wouldn't mind being challenged by asking with.

...i cant carry him or anyone for that matter...but we want... and we desire to love big...and to have lots to love in the future..

i'm trying to be vague..and i don't want to scare you away. but this risk is worth it to me. many aren't willing to risk love for fear that their heart will be broken in the process...its worth it for me... to go out on a limb..

Thursday, January 6, 2011

the pathetic little bird of wisdom...

Some things I contend to doing this year is to get back into running, spend more quality time with the husband, remember to bath regularly, get a pet turtle, become more content and read one inspiring book monthly - aiding in challenging my leadership skills, sharpening my relationship with God and my all around character...  obviously a few of these are jokes...probably not the 'obvious' ones.
January's book of choice "Chazown" by Craig Groeschel. Good and necessary 
read. Craig shares many stories, one of which has stuck with me the most...
One day a bird was flying south for the winter and got caught in a 
snowstorm. As snow landed on his tiny wings, it melted slightly, the quickly 
froze, causing the bird to fall to the ground. 
As he sat helpless and shivering, encased in ice, the bird thought to 
himself (to be spoken in a little bird voice), this is the end
To make matters worse, a cow wandered toward the freezing bird and
wouldn’t you know it? - deposited a stinking pile of manure on top of the bird. 
(There’s a point, hang with me). 
The bird panicked, horrified at the thought that he was going to freeze to death, covered in manure. But slowly, the warmth of the manure caused the bird to thaw out. He fluttered his newly freed wings and began to chirp with joy!
“Chirp! Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!” he sang.
That’s when a cat, drawn by the chirping, ran over, dug out the bird...and ate him. 
You see, this story of courage and calamity teaches us three very important lessons. Hope you didn’t miss them:
  1. Not everyone who drops manure on you is your enemy. 
  2. Not everyone who digs you out of manure is your friend. 
  3. When you are in manure, keep your mouth shut. 
Today I read Psalm 4:4 (this year I also have resolved to read the entire bible..)
“Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent.”
I find this fitting in supporting the little birdie story. Very often I can find 
myself wanting everyone to know where I stand, and how bad I’m hurting with 
life and all it throws at me. I can find myself with a victim mentality..asking God 'why can't I have that! Aren't you the one who promises the desires of my heart!?! We want a baby!'...and not just a baby for the sake of those cute chubby roles and the ridiculously small outfits that make your heart burst..but because we want a raise up children, to love and create insane memories with...'
Yet in all of this I have chosen to make a conscious effort
to ‘search my heart and be silent.’ To trust God and to move forward courageously.
I'm anticipating 2011.

 To make sure I site my work: “Chazown” by Craig Groeshel; pg. 57-58  & New International Version, Psalm 4:4.