that paper - you hold it

This lesson was taught by my son this evening...I promise though the main actor is two years old - it is very much profound.

It starts and ends with a fire.

The last few weeks I've managed to live off of what I find and maximize what we already have in our possession. Whether it's to pay a bill, make meals for my family or build a fire pit in our new back yard. God has definitely been stretching us. I have found myself equally loving and hating the season God has us in. We literally ask God for everything we have and everything we need....daily. This coached dependence is stripping every fiber of pride (I did AND didn't know I had) from my spirit and refining me in a way I'd prefer to bypass.

I do wake up every morning in a bed I didn't buy and live in a home I didn't purchase and enjoy amenities I didn't work for. So to find myself seeming to be dissatisfied - does seem ungrateful and out of place. Just as God has provided in some areas - He has not (as I expected or made room for Him to).

God is good but I can't say He is all the time. Some times I'm unsure He's good - for the sake of seeing if after it's all said and done -- and when my expectations of Him aren't met -- that I still will choose Him and want just Him. (check out elevationchurch.org - "Even Now Somehow" message by Pastor Steven Furtick in his Expectation Gap series - spoke so specifically to our family). It's a message that God brought me to and one that I've been studying the last few days.

That's my back story for what proceeds.

Tonight, I finally enjoyed the firepit I had made from some bricks that came with the house, a few chairs my mom had lying around her wrap around porch and fire wood given to us by the most incredible neighbors.

The pit was lit. Then in the midst of my excitement - I heard it....the bells...of...the ice cream truck. I ran inside and grabbed the only sacred bill I keep in my purse (in case we ever have to have cash) - yelled for my son to "come on, let's catch the ice cream truck!" (I know I'm enabling - judge me later) and pushed open the back yard gate. We ran to end of the driveway and sat down to wait. It seemed close.

While we waited, my son sat on my lap instinctively and I decided to have him hold my ten dollar bill.

--then it happened.

I realized Pax had no idea what it was. He has not really had to connect the dots that one needs money to receive any thing.

He held it like any other piece of paper. Just like a boy of innocence and limited clarity - he crumbled it up and handed it back - saying "here ya go mommy, dat paper - you hold it. Ice tream truck where'd it go?" with his hands turned up to the sky. We heard the bells come and go down the streets but it didn't find its way at either of our own.

I resolved, "Well baby I don't think its coming."

"No toming ice tream truck?"

"No baby, let's go back to the fire and if we hear it we will come back."

"Oooohhh, bye bye ice tream truck."

As we walked back he says..."Mama I want you, hold me." (Melt me)

In all of my time with Pax - if you introduce something to him you need to also produce a result. But in this moment - God in all His grace showed me a physical representation of how He desires me to be with Him. 

He set the stage and played out exactly what He's been teaching me the last few days...I was honored He used my son (He gave me) and for me to be the audience. And like every good show - there's some take aways...lessons. 

God unveiled some truths to me...

To instinctively wait while sitting on His lap. Trusting Him to purchase all our needs (because He already paid for us) and not bothering ourselves with the details, all the finances, all the logistics, all the human whoas and worries. And when we don't experience what we expected to happen (when our "ice tream truck" doesn't show up) being just as satisfied walking back "empty handed" of some thing or things but holding the hand of someONE.

I just love how relatable and honest and NOT SO SUBTLE He is.

All this continued to process as we grabbed popsicles from the freezer (my idea) and enjoyed the rest of the fire and look at the first of the stars.

As much as I'm excited and certain - it convicts and I find my flesh scared - this teaching is so clear and repeated - that I know I'm going to have to walk through something deeper than what I've been walking through and that I think is hard enough. I'm sure it isn't ready to relent...yet.

My hope at the end of this season is that I find myself still holding His hand - beyond satisfied with just that. The truest Fire of my soul.

Removing the Comforts - To Prove He is OBVIOUS

...stay where you are. You are making decent money and having to work very little. You love your job and the people you work with. You are crazy to walk away from a position at a place most stylists would kill for. What are your guest going to do? They aren't going to understand. What about those that come to you to get spiritually refreshed. How will you be able to minister to them? This isn't ideal in an economy ever shifting. How will you pay all your bills? And have extra for fun shopping sprees? Your kid is going to miss out on so many luxuries. How are you suppose to pay off the rest of your debts when you have no job? What kind of mother quits work, risks her kid's financial welfare and plans to move to another country with no means to get there? Don't you have a mission trip to pay for? What if you can't pay it? You're gonna look like a big fat fool. Work isn't going to understand. What if you leave saying you're going to do all these big things - and.....it.....never.....happens? People won't make sense of it. Some in the church already think you're a bit too zealous - even those that were suppose to have your back. You're too much. Too zealous. Too random. Too adventurous. Too off the cuff. Overboard.

Little did I know a few months ago that these questions would be dominating my mind.

December, I felt the process was beginning. Ben and I were going to be ready for it. I felt this sense that the atmosphere was changing. My sign to go would be when things were changing. The irony was I love change - especially if it's beneficial. I would hear, "Be still." And in response, I would say,"Just let me know when and, Lord, I will go." Not knowing at all what that looked like or what I was really telling God. But we'd committed that we were taking God at His Word.

January, I asked again. Daily I would hear, "Be still."

February 5th - as we are picking up breakfast for the church staff - unexpectantly. I heard, "It's time." I honestly thought God meant this whole time that He was gonna sell our house that day and direct us to the airport and we'd be living on a prayer and go. I'm good with that. But as I ate my delicious donut and talking with my little family before heading to the church - I had this sense the whole time - I had stepped into something that's going to require more enduring faith.

A few days later - I discovered things most definitely changing but not at the place I expected. Change was happening at my job. Requestioning God - making sure my spiritual hearing was correct - Was this what God meant? I was afraid for a minute - texting some girlfriends for prayer - then sensing this peace - this change wasn't meant for me. Where others were obviously disenchanted and fearful - I didn't emotionally invest - I would be talking to the owner soon enough and get the facts - then maybe I would have more clarity. As the days approached to talk to her - there was confirmation EVERYWHERE. In the books I was reading, what I was hearing God say as I sat still - in all the messages I was hearing, what was coming out of my friends mouths...what Ben was saying. I was to quit my job. I knew it was God because of what came next.

Fire within the deepest parts of my soul. Justice for orphans, safety for those never offered protection, for God to be obvious, for a broken world to be exposed to a Holy-EVER-PRESENT-God-Who-SEE-US. He was undoubtly calling me out. I am not capable - I am not qualified. I have NO way of doing this on so many LOGICAL levels. This was NOT the time to be quitting a job I love, getting paid well in and feel fulfilled in doing. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THIS.

This all written to be a testament of God's faithfulness.

I'm not capable, but I am willing.

I step out of comfort and certainty - into the uncertain.

I step out of my light - into His.

Just give us Jesus.

The past few days of digging and seeking God's face - I've walked away with these truths.

Satan is a liar. And will give us the spirit of Discouragement. Keeping our eyes off a Father that is more than capable.

I have learned that: God is a God-Who-Sees-Me. (Genesis 16:13) While we may think we don't have enough time, money, resources, or know how for the task, God will use what we have. It's important to remember this, because otherwise we may be convinced that our contribution will be so small, insignificant, even inconsequential, that we decide to do nothing. (Undaunted by Christine Caine) Whoever saves one life saves the entire world. (Schindler's List) We are hear to be a light, set on a hill, exposed, bringing out the God colors in the world. By opening up to others - we compell others to open up to our Generous Father in heaven. (Matthew5:14-16 MSG) When Jesus died and rose again and gave us His Spirit - HE MADE US NECESSARY. (Isaiah 60:1-2 NKJV) All this Jesus loving with no ones life being changed by your faith - is as good as DEAD. (James 2:26) That Jesus is life-giving and the devil is life-sucking - So when I battle thoughts in my mind - say a loud 'no' to the devil and a silent 'yes' to Jesus and fill my mind with truth.

Logically my situation doesn't make sense. My family is called to live by faith. We are called to take God at His Word. That ALL will see that HE very possible and able. (Matthew 19:26).

"In the world you will have great tribulation." Jesus promised (John16:33 NKJV), and added, "but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

We're called to show the world HE IS ABLE. To the unbeliever and the believer. The odds are stacked against our God dreams. But like Joshua and Caleb & David - Ben & I see God's ability and not the giants. Let the stone slinging begin. Let God be OBVIOUS and us in a servant's position toward the ALMIGHTY.

Love "Advent" Tree - A Family Tradition Established

Put on your love goggles - drink the red kool-aid - smell the roses & feel the love.

Being an inspiration is what I'm fueled by. I want to be an inspiration under the covering of Jesus - giving Him all the glory. I want people to be inspired. First my family, then others. 

As a new family. Est. in 2006 - When Ben & I married & expanding in 2011, by the birth of our son, Pax -- I want to start some family traditions. Correction I want to intentionally start some valuable Kingdom minded traditions. That my son will carry on to his Bride & children.  

I wasn't raised to celebrate holidays - so I didn't know what an advent tree was until this year...10 days before Christmas. 

I've always loved Christmas - but if I may still be 'Christian' can I say - Valentine's Day is by far my favorite of all the over-commercialized holidays! The western celebrated and over-commercialized holiday has gotten a bit of a bad wrap - namely that people capitalize on a culture taking one day to celebrate the ones we love - when, in fact, we should honor them all year. I could argue that most of my Jesus denying family celebrates Christmas - doesn't mean they are focusing on the true meaning. Nor does it mean we shouldn't take the day to at least recognize the birth of our Saviour - even though technically he wasn't born in December. It does give the church an opportunity to reach the lost as they usually come to visit in December and April (which the church should mean serious business during this time - as we are in the soul saving business) and a chance to talk about Jesus without getting disowned...completely. 

Valentine's - poor day gets a bad rap. But I have always loved it (single or not) and even more so after I accepted Jesus as my Savior my senior year of high school. 

Advent - by definition, means the coming or arrival of someone important. 

Valentine's was historically known to be started by an early Christian, Saint Valentinus. He was imprisoned for performing weddings and ministering to Christians who were persecuted under the Roman Empire. During his imprisonment, he was said to have healed the daughter of his jailer Asterius. Before he was executed he wrote a farewell to that girl, signed "from your Valentine." (resourced by Wikipedia)

Knowing the general basis of this - I've fallen in deep endearment to this upcoming holiday. 

As believers aren't we suppose to model the true love of Christ? Isn't He real LOVE? Though I buy into all the Valentine's propaganda - I even more buy into the belief that I've formed for myself - that the church should model the love this world is missing. This lost world is making for themselves idols that can't meet their needs and satisfy the hole that only the Lord can fill. The LOVE He bought for us by the blood sacrifice of His son. The truest gift.

And I love where Valentine's falls. Right in the MIDDLE of Christmas & Easter. He was born & celebrated (Christmas) - He lived & loved others with His life (Valentine's) - He died and rose again (Easter)... How are you liking my sales pitch?

And if the Lord told us it was good that he die and be with the Father. "For we will do even GREATER things than he did..." (John 14:12)

Shouldn't we use this opportunity to pray for others, love others in HUGE ways different from how the lost love them,  and believe God publically by laying our hands on our sick friends and family and unashamingly pray for the healing of their bodies - giving God the credit. And shouldn't we feel just as compelled to celebrate the TRUE LOVE of God - Our TRUE LOVE. 

So our Family Love Advent Tree was birthed. I'm still not a 100% done with it but it looks like this: 

I'm still developing some of the activities and have to buy the gift cards to two of the days. The 'tree' consists of 14 'activities'. From going to get 'fro-yo' - to writing and making things to mail our sponsored kids in Africa - to celebrating Pax birthday - to writing a love letter to an extended family member - to showing some love to our church staff/Pastors - to making cookies - to committing a big love act for a friend or family that we believe God will show us - to memorizing 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 as a family (obviously Pax is highly intelligent and we have no doubts he will nail this).. 

I want Pax to grow up learning to serve. To put God first and then others. Ben and I want our family values to reflect, in the best way we can, how good God has been to us. To represent Jesus' life & what he meant by GREATER. 

We want LOVE TO WIN.

So we celebrate 'the coming of God's love to His people' - with our Love Advent Tree. 

Maybe this will prompt you to do the same. I don't care if this idea is stolen - I think it's a beautiful idea that has the ability to catch fire. AND I know you and your family with have fun making and participating. 

I encourage you, with or without a 'tree', to celebrate LOVE. 

"And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5

'We are all meant to SHINE...'

I've always loved the movie Coach Carter. I'm attracted to the life this Coach led - dispite the disapproval of so many people in such an obviously hopeless part of California. He saw and believed truth. Yeah, Yeah. Blah Blah. 

However, I don't take the history of his choices lightly. I'm called to inspire others. 

Three years ago, at my second 'MOTION CONFERENCE' - a youth conference Ben and I took our youth group to - I asked God what His truest calling was for this life He gave me. In one word - He answered me & gave me a vision of what my life looked like if I let Him use me that way. He's still teaching, challenging and convicting me, but I'm certain He has called me and placed a unique anointing on me (as He has one for everyone) to....

...inspire...

You may already "know" this quote - but I encourage you to read it to it's entirety. 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson was inspired by the Lord when she was quoted saying this. She gave the credit of these words to God. 

Not only is this quote spoken by an actor in "Coach Carter", one who played the most troubled kid on the coach's team. It was also a quote my high school english teacher/soccer coach & personal mentor - asked me personally to memorize. 

I believe God allows the things in your life to equip you for other seasons you soon enough will experience...bettering you to embrace all the Promises He gives along the journey. This quote is one of the many times the Lord was equipping me to understand I was called to challenge others to see things differently - try new things and BE AUTHENTIC.

I love when she says "Your playing small does not serve the world...." My biggest pet peeve - in the entire world (minus being chased & tickled) is when others don't even try. When they forfeit their identity to embrace the identity of our culture. I'm sick of photo copies. They aren't attractive and lack the creativity of the God of our Universe. It's insulting. God's better than that, and He's calling a generation to be better than that. For "we were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us."

And....

"it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone."

As we daily, obediently and authentically live out our jouney as He has designed us to be..."we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

God has sent us to be a light. Replacing the spirit of fear that every other person buying into the photo copy culture has - and giving us the spirit of POWER - LOVE AND A SOUND MIND. - 2 Timothy 1:7

"As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence....(that's my favorite - our presence that has the  Holy Spirit living inside us) automatically liberates others." Not our words - but through our puriest, Holy Spirit driven, faith-full actions we can LIBERATE others.

In Jesus' name. 

My sweet friends - Take it one faithful, obedient day at a time. 

The Principle of "Daily"

"Seek first the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33.

The scriptures PRIOR were from Jesus teaching his disciples how their prayers should look like. He is such a great Lord to teach us rather than us having to figure it out on our own. He states in Matthew 6:11 - "Give us this day our daily bread." This also can be found in Luke 11:3.

Recently as the leader of our family, Ben, instituted a family meeting to discuss our vision and goals for 2013. He was thoughtful to mention when it would be and what was to be prepared. He gave me a week and he too took a week - and we prayerfully and thoughtfully wrote out what the Lord was directing. Christmas day - we shared. It was neat to see that everything we both wrote linked up - confirming it was indeed the Lord. (It's the little things, like this confirmation, I consider still His miracles and His nearness. I refuse to become numb to them, but rather rejoice).

As we developed what it would look like if were obedient to the vision for our family in 2013 - we felt it a bit daunting. So for a few days I gave what "we" developed and asked Him to show me what He wanted it to look like. Coming to Him knowing and believing 2 things:

1. That if I "ask anything in His name, he hears us." - 1 John 5:14

2.  Jesus, who only tells the life-giving truth, says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:30. And I knew what I was feeling with our execution plan felt really weighty and an undertaking and honestly unnecessary. I know "nothing is impossible with God." But what I was feeling and what the Holy Spirit was teaching me seemed to confirm we had ommitted God and His truths with our plan of action but not with our goals and vision.

God was faithful within hours to answer. He had indeed confirmed our goals were of His origin - but our game plan was not. Then I heard it, "What if your life was a accumlation of days lived well."

That was it! God wanted us to not be daunted with the 2013's 365 tomorrows - but rather to be faithful with the today (the only one promised us).

And in return God showed me that if I was:

1. Seeking first His Kingdom daily.
2. Asking for my daily bread.
3. Being fully faithful to be balanced with the day He gave - by walking in the direction and under the guidance and leading of the Holy Spirit.

That my "todays" will achieve my "tomorrow" goals. Just like an equation 1+1=2, God showed me that 1 faithful, God directed, balanced day + 1 faithful, God directed, balanced day (done 365 days) = A year of Goals achieved, Vision recieved, Miracles witnessed, Faith built, Kingdom advanced, Lives changed, Financial freedom conquered, Promises produced!

My only responsibility is to "Seek first - daily." SWEET!

This truth left Ben and I feeling easy and burdenless. It left us feeling empowered. Ironically - Giving God the responsibility to be the "author and finisher of our faith because He already paid the price" (Hebrews 12:2) - it's not up to me to perfect myself - it's His. We were empowered when we were instructed to be stripped of our imposed responsibility. When we gave Him power, authority and responsibility - we soon felt we finally attained power and authority.

We believe that if God tells the truth - He will be faithful to give us our daily bread and our actions will reflect this:

1. We will walk a life that was even GREATER than Jesus because He gave us the Holy Spirit. (John 14:12 - "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I'm going to the Father.") I love that He said "very truly I tell you - as if wanting us to grasp and understand and own the power He is giving us.

2. That we will be guided by the Holy Spirit and not daunted when God commands us to give to the needs He allows us to see. (By no coincidence does God put needs of others into your view). James 2:15 - "Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and DAILY food." Well if God doesn't lie and He says He will most certainly give you your daily bread - yet you are allowed to see the needs of your brothers and sisters (meaning family in Christ). I, without caution believe, God provided YOU your daily bread and equipped you to help what He most definitely allowed you to see or over hear or even sense from the Lord. And if God cannot lie - and He provides all our daily breads and we trust that - then we fear NOT about what we need tomorrow when we are lead to give. Is this preaching to anyone but me?

3. We will represent God well. We will daily walk in the fruits of the Spirit. Lives will most definitely be changed. When everyone around me freaks out about the 'fiscal cliff' and I stand in my authority and the "peace that transcends understanding"(Philippians 4:7) and trust a God who's "ways are Higher than ours" (Isaiah 55:9) - Don't you think people will be "asking about the faith you have in Christ Jesus" and You WILL "be ready to give an answer to anyone who asks about this HOPE you have in Christ Jesus." (1 Peter 3:15)

I'm just gonna stop there because my heart is gonna beat out of my chest in excitement! I leave you with this:

Father in Heaven, who gave your Presence to live inside us. Give us peace and understanding in these truths. I pray empowerment and blessings so vast to those who are reading this - that they can't hardly stand it - that they are compelled to fall on their knees in praise at the weight of your goodness. In Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

I Guess I Want the Truth to Hurt More...

I'll get right to it.

After what seemed like a deep feeling in my soul to point of feeling it in my throat - I asked Jesus this morning what the crap?...

And He answered with a question. "What's going on?"

"We'll Jesus you know everything. You tell me." And without pause to listen. I continued to talk. I began to repent and then tell God what I knew Him to be in my life. I told him my disatisfactions and mixed it with the many things I'm thankful for..

Then I said it.

As if my whole being had felt this way but hadn't told my cognitive mind it.

"I guess God, I just want the truth to hurt more."

WHAT!?!

Then what came after was revelation.

"Because if the truth hurt more, maybe my hardened heart would repent more promptly. If the truth hurt more, my soul would run eagerly to You and Your righteousness. If the truth hurt more I would live more victorious and less defeated. If the truth hurt more I would be compelled to do the most with what I already have. If the truth hurt more His Word would mean more, I would have deeper & more reverently pure feelings towards injustice, and every soul would matter - even the ones that offend or hurt me."


I was always told to be careful what you ask for. As if being we don't want to be imposed. Life needs to be easy, unchallenged, and unconfrontational.

Honestly.

I'm over careful - in the way I've known it to be. Careful can be associated to being weak, avoidant, and cautious.

Unless it's to be care FULL to Love the LORD.

"So be very careful to love the LORD your God." - Joshua 23:11

Careful - Attentive, heedful & mindful.

I want to be attentive, heedful & mindful of TRUTH.

I want it to sting, hurt, be memorable and break my heart.

MamaMondays: More! More! More!

My kid is always hungry.

Always hungry.

"more"... "more"... "more".... In sign language...AND saying it - with pleads and tears...lots and lots of tears - while I managed to imply he says "please" and to be patient (as I frantically cut up fruit or get crackers)... This was the summary of our communication today..

Screaming is mostly what he did today. But I loved him through it.

In his bad behavior - I treated him and myself to some powdered donuts.

There was something about putting my baby to bed mad...so powdered donuts and snuggling were this mommy's opinion of a "must.."

It was necessary.

It was good.

Then he fell asleep on my chest. All became right with the world and this mommy continues to embrace her purpose.

To love her baby and embrace today.

Embrace everything I already have.

Life is good.

"People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” - Luke 18:15-17