I've stepped away for awhile. Broken. Unwilling to care. Believing that I was possibly serving a God that just didn't want to be for me. Not that I believed He couldn't but that He wouldn't and that He didn't want to.
Ultimately, after months of processing, cursing, hurting, curling in balls and whaling...I have concluded several things. All equaling to MEGA BEAUTY FROM ASHES.
Here's the tid-bits (some quotes from movies, books, etc.) that I've journeyed to digest:
- Being a Hero always has a price. Jesus was crucified, soldiers died for freedom, Batman gave up his love to save a city..you get the point. I know I'm called to lead...it comes at a price.
- God is FOR ME. Not because of what I've done. I've realized (as obvious as this next part will be to you) that when Jesus died..He died for my past AND... to cover my tomorrows. This obvious concept..this truth..I can say is stitched in my heart of hearts..stitched with an immovable stitch. He is FOR ME..ALL THE TIME.
- If you hear CAN'T a lot, it generally means you will see a miracle soon. However, if you're the one saying CAN'T a lot...don't expect to see a miracle. Do believe He will still emit loving kindness. He is a jealous God. A God who wants to do a miracle. He wants Himself to be believable to you.
- Biological or Adoption - the child is innately yours. God knew it before we were knit together - who we would become and we would raise us to become them. Adoption - it's a whole wide subject with me..and I'm not intending to go there...today. I believe God equips those who adopt and shows an incredible kind of grace for those who do. As strange as it sounds...I forget that Pax didn't grow in my stomach. We are uniquely bonded. He is all kinds of mine. I love him so much its hard for me to consider having or adopting another. I deal with the common thought that it's hard for me to think I will love another as much as Pax...But more than that...to believe that any other adoption will be as intense, real, close, incredible.. Pax is my first but he also is mine. Any other adoption, I wrestle, will be an adoption (as if to belittle the beautiful word)...negating what Pax and us have. And what if I get pregnant. My concern isn't that I will love the child more and Pax less but quite the opposite..and how will Pax feel when he is old enough to process it. Almost saying that "this is my son, Pax and my daughter I had and my adopted children....." I know God will grace me for it all - I'm just wrestling with it...and being transparent on my journey. I want more babies, I want to be pregnant and I want to adopt. So to regain sanity... I revisit our families' vision. We are all adopted through Christ Jesus - being made FULL heirs to all that is His...veil torn..no differentiating..all adopted through blood. So I say biology or adoption we are His..fully His. So shall we have children through all means...and they will ALL be FULLY ours.
- God is my reward. Not Africa. Not kids. Not what He can do for me and my family..but Him.
On that note...Our little family is doing good. Incredible actually. I'm home more with Pax. We are budgeting more and having fun decorating our home with free things..because we sold everything in an incredible garage sale to raise funds for Africa.
Africa... will be longer than we would like. We have to sell our home, our car and raise a lot of money. However...we are praying for more little chickens until then - adoption, pregnancy, whatever..
Ben and I are about to celebrate 6 years of marriage. We are already in prayer/fasting mode for the next year. Believing everyday that God is for me...for us.
We're asking for you to consider us in your prayers. Please leave your love and prayer requests of your own.
With much love.