It starts and ends with a fire.
The last few weeks I've managed to live off of what I find and maximize what we already have in our possession. Whether it's to pay a bill, make meals for my family or build a fire pit in our new back yard. God has definitely been stretching us. I have found myself equally loving and hating the season God has us in. We literally ask God for everything we have and everything we need....daily. This coached dependence is stripping every fiber of pride (I did AND didn't know I had) from my spirit and refining me in a way I'd prefer to bypass.
I do wake up every morning in a bed I didn't buy and live in a home I didn't purchase and enjoy amenities I didn't work for. So to find myself seeming to be dissatisfied - does seem ungrateful and out of place. Just as God has provided in some areas - He has not (as I expected or made room for Him to).
God is good but I can't say He is all the time. Some times I'm unsure He's good - for the sake of seeing if after it's all said and done -- and when my expectations of Him aren't met -- that I still will choose Him and want just Him. (check out elevationchurch.org - "Even Now Somehow" message by Pastor Steven Furtick in his Expectation Gap series - spoke so specifically to our family). It's a message that God brought me to and one that I've been studying the last few days.
That's my back story for what proceeds.
Tonight, I finally enjoyed the firepit I had made from some bricks that came with the house, a few chairs my mom had lying around her wrap around porch and fire wood given to us by the most incredible neighbors.
The pit was lit. Then in the midst of my excitement - I heard it....the bells...of...the ice cream truck. I ran inside and grabbed the only sacred bill I keep in my purse (in case we ever have to have cash) - yelled for my son to "come on, let's catch the ice cream truck!" (I know I'm enabling - judge me later) and pushed open the back yard gate. We ran to end of the driveway and sat down to wait. It seemed close.
While we waited, my son sat on my lap instinctively and I decided to have him hold my ten dollar bill.
--then it happened.
I realized Pax had no idea what it was. He has not really had to connect the dots that one needs money to receive any thing.
He held it like any other piece of paper. Just like a boy of innocence and limited clarity - he crumbled it up and handed it back - saying "here ya go mommy, dat paper - you hold it. Ice tream truck where'd it go?" with his hands turned up to the sky. We heard the bells come and go down the streets but it didn't find its way at either of our own.
I resolved, "Well baby I don't think its coming."
"No toming ice tream truck?"
"No baby, let's go back to the fire and if we hear it we will come back."
"Oooohhh, bye bye ice tream truck."
As we walked back he says..."Mama I want you, hold me." (Melt me)
In all of my time with Pax - if you introduce something to him you need to also produce a result. But in this moment - God in all His grace showed me a physical representation of how He desires me to be with Him.
He set the stage and played out exactly what He's been teaching me the last few days...I was honored He used my son (He gave me) and for me to be the audience. And like every good show - there's some take aways...lessons.
God unveiled some truths to me...
To instinctively wait while sitting on His lap. Trusting Him to purchase all our needs (because He already paid for us) and not bothering ourselves with the details, all the finances, all the logistics, all the human whoas and worries. And when we don't experience what we expected to happen (when our "ice tream truck" doesn't show up) being just as satisfied walking back "empty handed" of some thing or things but holding the hand of someONE.
I just love how relatable and honest and NOT SO SUBTLE He is.
All this continued to process as we grabbed popsicles from the freezer (my idea) and enjoyed the rest of the fire and look at the first of the stars.
As much as I'm excited and certain - it convicts and I find my flesh scared - this teaching is so clear and repeated - that I know I'm going to have to walk through something deeper than what I've been walking through and that I think is hard enough. I'm sure it isn't ready to relent...yet.
My hope at the end of this season is that I find myself still holding His hand - beyond satisfied with just that. The truest Fire of my soul.