believing the 'not' MORE

I don't know what my deal is. This issue that I need to work out. I have a feeling whatever this is I'm going to have to spend some serious time working it out with God and to be really frank...I DON'T WANT TO. Can I just do my thing and enjoy what I do have and not press on towards the prize..because the 'pressing' seems like work. And it's easier for my brain and my emotions right now if I just believe and put my faith in what is NOT going to happen rather than the miracles you, God, want to happen.

See, Jesus, I believe MORE that nothing is going to happen and I'm gonna be in this season and at this place and unhappy like this for...well...ever. I'm going to strive - while everyone moves forward and I'm going to be here awhile... waiting.

shocking considering my miracle..

I even sound pompous, ignorant and ungrateful...

but God I want more. And I'm finding that I want more of the wrong thing.  And in the little wisdom (because of my laziness) that I've gained during my walk with you, I still continue to desire the unnecessary and to ache almost for the un'needed'.

and to read my feelings back on paper - I am pathetic...honest yet, very pathetic.

where's that die hard passion - what am I passionate about? What would keep me up at night with a pen and paper..what's the point... I want an easy button. 

my life is too hard and not at all how I wanted it to go...at all... some parts (Pax and Ben) way better than I planned and others...WAY not.


...and isn't it the story of everyone..Whoa is me - Thou shalt put me to death and exalt all my misfortunes...

I'm serious. I want better - haven't I done enough..I'm ready for the more - for overflowing.

I'm tired.

I'm dealing. I don't want to deal.

There is something..well many things..but something right now in particular God is waiting on me to acknowledge and work out - for me to be entrusted to move forward to this next season. Honestly, I'm too tired to figure it out and too ashamed to know all of what it is. To be broken is too rough for me...I don't like it.

Not a fan. Nor am I a fan of what I have become - in the quiet, secret places. It's beginning to overflow to the public places of my life and I want it to change....

but I'm physically and emotionally not willing to change it...

so I'm here...

waiting..like a chess game...to decide my next move.

interested to see back...the journey I took from here. Scared it's not going to be pleasing.