"but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you." (Psalm 139:12 NLT)
I hate the dark. I dread having to go out to my car after the sun goes down. There's something about it. I shouldn't live in fear of this - its silly. I can recite 'God doesn't give you a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind'.. And run in dead sprint to get in my car parked 10 feet away... Pathetic.
Often in the seemingly dark times of my life - where God 'seemed' (by my diagnosis) to be so far away from me - I would find myself in fear & panic. I would worry and fight - I would seek discord and speak in bitterness - I would find my heart angry and in distress - I would feel bull dozed by the smallest life challenge.
Most of my darkness was in the shadow of not being able to conceive. I wanted a baby, to be a mother and to make Ben a father more than I wanted to breathe, most days. I would also feel God wanted to be distant from me because I didn't feel righteous. Feelings - I'm fueled by them.
I would feel in the dark about areas of my life I knew God gifted in me - because I "felt" they weren't being used. I would react quickly in desperation of being used for anything exciting. I wouldn't search God on things and jump with all my gumption towards things God didn't have for me. Then there were other times where God specifically placed me under leadership to refine my "following" skills and I'd blow it more than I would honor it... And in my defense I would sin more. Again I write:
"but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you." (Psalm 139:12 NLT)
In all those dark days, to me - God saw them as bright as day. He gives us our daily bread (dark or bright the day) and knows exactly what we need to take on that specific day. But what I also believe God is saying is those 'dark' nights are just as brightly refining as the day for us.
Knowing where God is taking us has been confirmed by the journey God has already brought us through. Just as when I look at my son and watch how perfectly matched he is to us - Ben and I see why & how God's timing is PERFECT! We'll recount conversations or prayers we prayed and then see them months and years later fleshed out in Paxton Oliver. Those 'nights' and dark days I'd weep uncontrollably when the pregnancy test said negative and I would see others grow their families - I see now that God was birthing Paxton IN my heart not under it.
"for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." (1 John 5:4 NIV)
"because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:3, 4 NIV)
Be so encouraged! This 'night' you're in is bright to the Lord and He has your back - your front - He's got you. He wants you to lack nothing! My prayer is that you are encouraged and truly refreshed by this. That you perservere - and NOT LACK A SINGLE THING GOD IS GIVING YOU...becoming mature and complete.
You are invited to follow our family on this journey - where in the coming weeks we will expose where God is directing us and give you an account of God's faithfulness and provision. We are excited and honored that God has invited us to partner with Him - though He could do it all on His own. Be blessed. - The Ward Family loves you.
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