June 21, 2010
After a long couple of nights of being kicked out of my boyfriends house and sleeping in my car, I went to the only place I knew I would be welcomed--rejection injected itself through my veins. I felt as if my heart had just been broken in two after my on-again-off-again boyfriend told me I was worth nothing and that I should just go hang out with the "sluts and drug dealers" I belonged with. Believing him-- I did exactly that.
I stayed in a place where I could bury my life in a bottomless amount of my earthly desire... My mind would slip away into a fictional world and nothing seemed to matter. Joy? Happiness? No, I was neither... But what I was.... was tired. Tired of moving... Tired of digging myself into a hole... and Tired of trying to dig myself back out.
It had been a while since I had eaten anything, but I realized I was gaining weight and having symptoms of my menstrual cycle without actually having it. I thought that the drugs and the malnutrition was causing my change in cycle... but the Man I was staying with had seen other girls who had gotten pregnant and he advised me to take a pregnancy test.
I thought nothing of it... until the results. I just looked at him and said "I'm not mad, I actually don't care. I just have a problem that needs to be fixed."
There have been other girls around me that had gotten an abortion and didn't look or feel any different and they carried on their life like nothing had happened. I wanted that to be me! I asked The Man for answers... Where did I go? How much was it going to be?
But after a couple days of asking, he seemed uninterested. I felt completely alone. This wasn't fair. So blinded.. I looked up clinics, but had no support. Then... as I sat on the computer... looking at a clinic in St.louis... I got a phone call.
One of my Mom's friends was looking for me. She was persistent. She said she was sitting outside of the house I was staying at. We were all high on meth... and The Man was paranoid and said she was a cop and I had to leave because if I didn't there would be trouble.
I walked outside in an oversized men's t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of socks and got in the car. As we drove away from the house, I began to realize that...this was the first time in days that I had seen the sun.
"You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep." Psalm 88:6
"Nor height, Nor Depth, nor anything else in all Creation, will be able to seperate us from the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39
When we are IN A PICKLE we look at our surroundings and look for comfort in familiarity. What we don't see completely is the CHOICE that is there--the choice of looking at the world for help OR looking to the Lord! What choice have you been making? Are you choosing the comfort of familiarity in the world or a new life through Adoption given to us by Christ Jesus?
"Woe to those who go down to Egypt for HELP and RELY on horses, who TRUST in chariots because they are many and in horsemen because they are very strong, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel or CONSULT the Lord." Isaiah 31:1
"In a Pickle" - Jamie's Take
June 21, 2010 - The summer was good to me. My friends and I were anticipating infamous vampire movie premieres and time spent by the pool with their babies. Ben and I were about to go to Florida for a friends wedding where I was doing the hair and He was doing the officiating.
In anticipation of the vacation/wedding I was also eager to see if I was pregnant. Hoping I was this month as it would put me at my ever dreamed winter baby. Believe me I planned this. Taking my temperature in the morning and calling Ben to come home on his lunch breaks to do the "deed" and make a baby. A baby with his eyes and my smile, his freckles and my curls. We'd pray after and talk about baby names and how cool it would be the coming Christmas to be huge pregnant.
I would eventually withdraw money or use my tips from the salon to buy a pregnancy test as Ben loathed me buying them every month, preferring I waited till I actually had missed my period to to test take. Cash left no record of my expenditure and the "five days before your missed period" marketing got me too anxious.
This month, however, I was not pregnant. In my annoyance I buried the once hopeful test in some toilet paper and disposed of the useless unpromising piece of trash. I was mad, again, at everything and everyone. I allowed the emotion to be brief, this month Ben and I were gonna take a much needed vacation soon and I refused to wreck it with my heartbreak. I shut down that part of my brain, that part of my heart and open myself to some fun and “suffering for Jesus” in Florida.
During this time, my journal entries reflected hope. Though I doubted God would be gracious in His giving of a child, I was still amped on Him. I was seeking Him and His words, and was incredibly fond of the Message Version of scripture. God was providing for us and we felt set. I was doing the latest workout in hopes to get in better shape for pregnancy and Florida. Ben and I were doing the best we'd ever been doing, as far as communicating and relating. Though it seemed very surfaced often times, we were okay with it, because the reality was too much to tackle. We had other prerogatives to keep conversation, such as: youth ministry, working multiple jobs and hanging out with our buddies.
The occasional "when will you guys start having kids" or "what have the doctors said is the problem" questions, would set ablaze something we weren't ready to face or own up to. So we casually gave them a staple answer and moved on to asking them questions about their life.
"You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep." Psalms 88:6
All in all, I just felt like I was in a season of want, and want for just one thing. I wanted and yearned for a baby. I wasn't speaking or believing like a heir to Christ. I lacked satisfaction in my womb, the very core of what I believed made me feminine.
Most times, though, everything was outwardly good or actually not bad at all, I still felt like I was in a pit. Small things were made huge deals by my poor attitude and lack of trust that God, my family and my husband were gonna pull through. Because, though, my day to day devotions were okay and I ultimately loved God, I honestly didn't trust Him or believe He was for me. This unresolved fact caused me to put that misguided trust in others. Very dangerous, considering that humanity is totally imperfect. Only leading to and continuing a cycle of disappointment.
"Nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39
Looking back, Im thankful I know so much more truth than that. Through much time spent in prayer, godly mentorship and in the Truth I can find the root of my feelings - processing them more wisely - before I invest emotionally in them. I’m thankful that I know God firsthand as a miraculous, promise fulfilling and incredible God. And I have the choice to look at my circumstance or look up at my God.
When we are in the pit we have the CHOICE to go to the world for help (like I did) or seek and find the aid of our Lord. Will you choose familiarity with the world or adoption through Christ?
"Woe to those who go down to Egypt for HELP and RELY on horses, who TRUST in chariots because they are many and in horsemen because they are very strong, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel or CONSULT in the Lord." Isaiah 31:1
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