Oh no you didn't
On Feb 8th, I had another dr's appointment. They were going to see how I was doing and how baby was coming along. He was due on feb 14th and everyone was anticipating his arrival.
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope; " Psalm 130:5
I was getting tired of carrying so much weight around, but the wait-- was necessary. Little Paxton needed all the time he could to develop and grow.
After Jamie (my dr), got done checking me, she said that he was in the right position-- head down-- and his heartbeat was good and strong. She told me that we had to set an induction date if he didn't come out by the 14th. The only day available was the 15th.
Hesitant to agree because the beginning of my pregnancy, I didn't want to take the Risk that he wouldn't be done "baking" yet.
At times, I was ready for him to be in the arms of Jamie and Ben.. But at other times, I wanted him to stay in my stomach forever... I didn't believe GOD when he said he would be fine... I still had doubts because of the drugs I did.
"casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
Natural seemed the way to go, I was scared that an induction could affect the baby in a negative way. I was scared to even take medication when I was sick because I didn't want Pax getting anything that could harm him... I could tell Jamie saw the worried look on my face and she asked if I would want to come back in that Friday, the 11th.
She scheduled my induction date for the 15th, but she said I should be more than hopeful that it would happen before that day. I knew God had brought me this far and had shown me such grace, that I just had to trust he knew what he was doing in the midst of my fears.
Months before, I was so lost and alone... A girl in all the same situations but with no guidance.. But now, I felt ready for what God had planned for me.
"I will thank you forever,
because you have done it.
I will wait for your name, for it is good,
in the presence of the godly." Psalm 52:9 ESV
Even though I messed up in the beginning, I had hope that God would "deliver" my baby from My Sin... And he would be strong...
"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
He would begin as a Beautiful miracle delivered and become a blessed man discipled.
When we stay faithful, God rains down favor.
"I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that you should not be their slaves. And I have broken the bars of your yoke and made you walk erect." Leviticus 26:13
God can always make your journey favorable if you love him and give him the glory with Your Life. His compassion makes all things good.
What outcome are you hoping for? What past experience do you need to give up to God so you can move forward in your relationship with him?
"Oh Know You Didn't" - Jamie's take
Things were coming along in the house. Ben and I had to talked about the possibility of moving into something bigger as we initially purchase our itty bitty home because we were never there except to shower and sleep and...most importantly didn't have children. We were praying but weren't feeling the need to.
Lesa and I were texting everyday. Sending scriptures back and forth and talking about life. We'd meet up for coffee and such and talked about the baby room.
Lesa had another appointment on February 8th at 11a.m. and fortunately I was able to get off for a moment to go to it. I met Lesa there and we headed downstairs. We went in as her name was called and did the same routine. It was just Lesa and I. The whole time I was so hopeful she was gonna have the baby that day.
As we entered the room Lesa was told to dress down, as the curtain was closed between us, we continued to joke that she was gonna be rushed to the hospital because Dr. Jamie would tell her she was ready.
The doctor came in and I joined Lesa at her head. I again heard the heart beat, that never got old. She then told Lesa she was still 1 cm. dilated but that he was low..about 0% effaced. She joked he may not have much hair. Which would be the first of many times we would be told he may be a baldy.
We discussed what it would look like if he didn't come Monday the 14th, that she would need an induction and the only available date was the 15th. Lesa was apprehensive. From our talks, I knew she was eager to have him and get some sleep and be comfortable but at the same time she wanted nothing rushed.
The doctor also asked me if I had any questions. I asked what the hospital stay would look like and if I'd get to see him at all after birth. Jamie didn't seem to know as she only worked with the pregnancy side of things. I felt kind of sheepish asking about that rather than the baby's health. I trusted the Lord with Pax's health and at this point the first months of his life in the womb were not even on my mind, I knew that was God’s responsibility. It was another miracle, I wasn’t worrying. Miraculous!
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7
Since Lesa was doing things through The Pregnancy Care Center - who worked with this particular OBGYN office - Jamie would not be doing the delivery but rather the O.B. Hospitalist on duty. I had been getting info from friends who worked at the hospital about the stay. The clearest info I received was that if there was availability we could possibly stay in the hospital, it would depend on the nurses, and that I would have access like any natural mother to the nursery and visiting.
I just wanted him here, selfishly. Not just to see him and hold him, but the sooner he was born the sooner he'd be home with us, the sooner the pain and reality of taking him from her would happen and be over.
I was really struggling with it. This would be what I wrestled with even after we brought him home.
I was grateful Lesa wanted an open adoption. When Ben and I first researched adoption we were completely opposed. We didn't want to have to be responsible for meetings and caring for the emotions of the birth mom. I was selfish. But the more I thought about it before I met Lesa - it just made more sense. A mother who wants to even just see pictures of their baby, makes me know they will take care of themselves during pregnancy. that they are concerned for their baby's well being long term.
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Philippians 4:6
We left the appointment and I headed to work. We kept in touch all day and I called Ben with the update. Lesa and I made plans to attend a local church’s women’s rally that Friday, and we were stoked to hang and get spiritually refreshed. I was excited too because in a couple days we would have the last needed baby item, the car seat and stroller duo and we'd be ready!
"I will praise you forever, O God,
for what you have done.
I will trust in your good name
in the presence of your faithful people." Psalm 52:9
Within weeks our home was changing, our family was expanding by two and our faith was increasing. God had truly showed Himself faithful and true. It was undeniable God was evident in this. In every way He was providing more than enough. More than enough money, resources, support and favor. We felt honored and extremely favored and yet so very humble at the same time.
"I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves. I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high." Leviticus 26:13
We were humbled under God's extraordinary love, that He would consider our desire and go above our hopes to execute such an extravagant show of love. We were also humbled knowing that there was gonna be a sacrifice, from a young woman, that would bare more than pain and would break her very core - as she walked in obedience to the Lord. Our favor would come from the heartache of another. And we were humbled.
God can always make your journey favorable if you love him and your life's desire is to please Him. His compassion makes all things good.
What outcome are you hoping for? What past experience do you need to give up to God so you can move forward in your relationship with Him?
"I am counting on the LORD;
yes, I am counting on him.
I have put my hope in his word." Psalm 130:5