Jan 25, 2011 Dr's appointments were very routine for me at this time. I was going every week and every week I got to hear the little babies heart beat that was inside my stomach. I can't explain the feeling of hearing something so wonderful, something that only God could create, another heartbeat.... another living body inside my own.
"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5
All along this journey of Dr's visits, I have had many guests up to this point. The very first time I went I brought my Mother, the 2nd time during my first trimester I invited the first potential mother to my baby, and the 3rd time and in my 2nd trimester--the biological father came with. My Dr, Jamie, had seen what I was struggling with. She saw all the different opinions that other people had for MY life and My baby. It was like my voice got drowned out while everyone of them told my Dr how they wanted the delivery to go and what THEY expected. Jamie--my doc-- would always look at me as if to tell me she knew that we would get a chance to talk and that she wasn't going to listen to anyone but me. It made me hopeful.
This appointment--on Jan 25th--I invited Jamie, the mother I had chosen to share life with. I knew that after I had picked Jamie, I wanted her to experience every moment she could. I wanted her to know what it was like to be pregnant. I was trying to give her the opportunity to feel as though this baby and her were truly connected. I couldn't think of a better way to do it then for her to hear his heartbeat--considering that the first time I heard his heartbeat, I knew instantly that I couldn't abort a living baby. It brought me that much closer to Charlie and I knew that when she heard him, the attachment would be there.
"Hear, my son, and be wise, and Direct your heart in the way." Proverbs 23:19
I wanted more than anything to watch Jamie get pregnant. Again, I thought of how unfair it was that she could only watch and not truly experience. I wanted more than anything to make this special for her. She deserved to be there every step of the way.
As I was walking into Jordan Valley Health Clinic, my brain wouldn't turn off and my emotions were all over the place. We had been texting all morning and I couldn't wait to see her. My Mother was with me and as we walked in we saw her sitting patiently by the window. She had a starbucks box with her and a coffee. She gave me the box and told me that it was filled with "goodies". Being pregnant, hungry, and loving anything starbucks, I couldn't wait to get in it!
We started walking downstairs to check in. I kept looking at the box and told Jamie how sweet she was. As soon as we checked in, we sat down to wait. I put the box on my belly and opened it. Jamie laughed at me and I told her how I used my belly as my table. It was comfy. It was like having a tv dinner--All the Time!
The Starbucks box contained sooooooooo (no exaggeration) many pastries, muffins, and breads. I looked at my Mom and she was in shock too. I took one bite out of everything. I loved the pumpkin bread the most and I offered some to my mom, but she wasn't hungry. Then we were called into the Dr's office.
The first thing I always had to do was pee into a cup. I had been doing this since the beginning of my pregnancy to keep me accountable in case I relapsed into drugs. Thankfully and with the God given Self-Control, I never did. After that, I had to get weighed. I asked Jamie to hold my purse and my box of goodies, and my jacket. I got on the scale and I was about 135. I had gained 50lbs during this pregnancy. I felt huge.
Jamie and my Mom walked behind me as I waddled to the room. My Mom and Jamie sat in the guest seats and My dr asked me routine questions. Everyone had to leave the room while I took off my pants and got situated for the dr to come back and check me. When they all walked back in, I was starting to feel a little nervous. How was Jamie feeling about all this? Did she feel awkward? Did she feel like she was suppose to be there? I was hoping she was feeling comfortable and I was hoping she was excited.
Normally, like I had said, everyone always gave their opinions about the way the delivery should go and how THEY wanted it... but Jamie... she sat there quietly observing. She had a smile on her face and I could tell she had something on her mind. I couldn't tell what though.
"At this also, my heart trembles and leaps out of it's place." Job 37:1
When the Dr told me to lay down, I asked Jamie and my Mom to come stand by my head. I didn't want them seeing my downstairs! My dr was poking on my stomach and checked if I was dilated. She said I was at a 1 and that he was already beginning to move into posistion--Head down. She checked my ankles to make sure they weren't swollen and then.... she asked if I was ready to hear the heartbeat.
I looked at Jamie and I could tell she was ready... that this part of the appointment was what she had been looking forward to! Wasting no time, the dr gooped me up and placed the cold machine head onto my belly. It seemed to take forever for her to find it. While she was searching for the heart, we got a little nervous. I could see it in Jamies face and I could feel it in my own. Then without warning we heard it.
"For indeed, as soon as the voice of your greeting sounded in my ears, the babe leaped in my womb for Joy." Luke 1:44
The slight sounds that seemed to be like the waves of an ocean... in perfect rhythm. Healthy and loud. I could listen to that sound forever. The small pitter pattering of a tiny heart that would one day become full of the love that was about to be poured into it. It was hard for me to imagine that one day this heart would go through heartbreak. I wanted to protect it with all that I had... but then I looked at Jamie. In humility, This was the first time that I realized that I was only the planter and she would be the waterer.
"It's not important who does the planting and who does the watering. What's important is that God makes the seed grow." 1 Corinthians 3:7
I had to let go of the control that wasn't mine. I knew God would provide for them. I could see the joy that was in her eyes. I could see that God was doing something greater than I could have ever thought of.
When we heard his heartbeat on this day, lives were already being changed in the world by a life that had yet to be in the world.
Faith comes through hearing the message and the message is the LIVING WORD. Hearing.... I decided to not abort my baby. Hearing... I found Christ. Hearing... Jamie found me. Hearing... A babies heartbeat gave us BOTH hope.
What have you been tuning out? Do you live your life by what you hear, by what you heard or by what you keep hearing? God never stops giving us directions, so we should never stop listening.
"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the Word of Christ." Romans 10:17
When we listen, Our Faith grows and when our Faith grows we will be able to receive The Promise.
"The Sound of REALity" - Jamie's Take
Journal entry January 25th.."In a few hours I will be checking in to the doctors, seeing an ultrasound, and hearing a heartbeat...that will belong to a baby..that will be my son. God, You are Infinite! I am so small and so incredibly indebted to you. Bless Lesa. Touch this baby, heal their hearts and give her all the desires of hers. Establish this relationship between us, as a deep supernatural connection. Unshakeable. Unlike any other. Begin to teach me and mold Ben and I to be parents to this boy, shaping him, and establishing him in You. I give him to you! I love you."
I woke up early. Braided my hair and sat with a cup of coffee on my couch, bible open, heart about to explode with gratitude. God was going to have this day. Ben was already off to work. I, myself, was preparing for the day the only way I knew how, the only way that was right, in God's Presence. We talked all night about what needed to be done with the house. We prayed for provision - what we needed done would cost. Ben and I were also pretty sure on a name. We wanted a name for our son that claimed the truth of this entire miracle.
Peace. God had given me a sure PEACE. So we decided that night his name would be Paxton but we'd call him Pax. Pax in hebrew meant ‘peace.’ I prayed for him and his giftings. I prayed God would raise him up.
"Listen, my son, and be wise,
and set your heart on the right path" - Proverbs 23:19
I couldn't believe God knew about him this whole time and that He had him for us.
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” - Jeremiah 1:5
In less than a week we went from no children, to a boy, due in a few weeks, and a relationship with an extraordinary woman. Precisely a week before - we had no clue our life would change and now I was in a humble position under a Lord who granted my truest, purest desire. Our prayers before bed every night were "Lord you know our desire to have a child, Lord provide everything we will need, cover the logistics, cover the cost..we give this to You." We knew God would provide.
I got ready and headed out early to the second greatest gift God gave human kind under Jesus crucified..coffee. I walked in and wanted to get her everything in the coffee shop...and I nearly did. I ordered our drinks..and then asked the man working if I could just have one of everything in the bakery window. He asked me how I was and without hesitation, I told him briefly but excitedly that I was going to meet my baby's birthmom to hear my son's heartbeat. I also told him it was imperative that I needed every kind of goodies for my babymama, and one of everything was a good place to start. He chuckled and began to share the story with the girl making my coffee. They genuinely shared in my story, which only made me more excited and anxious to see Lesa.
I found the clinic and parked. I said a prayer and texted Ben, to keep him updated. I then texted Lesa to let her know I was here and she told me where to wait. As I waited in the lobby, I watched couples, as well as women with children coming in and out. I sat across from a man and his 3-4 year old son, who googled my box of goodies. I got on my phone to look online for a gift to get for Lesa when she has Paxton. I racked my brain to come up with something tangible and meaningful to get to let her know I was so grateful for her.
She walked in moments later with her mom, well it was more like wabbling. Extremely grateful for my goodies, we embraced and headed downstairs to check in. My senses were heightened. Lesa checked in and her mom headed to use the restroom. We joked a bit about her need to eat all the time and her belly as a table, and how the baby was as I touched her stomach.
Moments later her name was called. I helped her up and we headed in, Lesa's mom had not returned yet. When we came in Lesa was instructed to pee in a cup left for her in the restroom. She joked it'd be easy because the baby was always on her bladder. When she returned we walked more down the hallway only to stop to be weighed. I wanted Lesa to know I was there for her. I took her purse and coat - as she initially wanted to put them on the floor. It hit me like an emotional freight train out of now where - she was doing this alone...she's been doing this alone. I'm sure she's had family and friends but it wasn't the natural coarse of events for a woman pregnant (in my mind) and not at all as God intended it. She wasn't coming with her husband or the father of the baby, she was coming alone. I fell in love with her even more. She stepped off the scale, seeming miserable, as she hadn't been sleeping well, but to me, she was beautiful. I locked down the tears. I was in love, with this baby and with this woman. She was so strong, yet so humble.
I continued to carry her things and made her feel ridiculous for thinking she needed to carry them herself. We walked in the first exam room. She was instructed to undress - and as the room blinds were pulled, Lesa's mom rejoined, seeming to of just got off the phone. Lesa had me open the blinds once she was done and we waited chatting. We joked about her unmatched socks and then her and her mom talked about plans for the day. I began to run my own checklists in my head about all that still needed to be done but had this confidence that all was going to be taken care of. I also really needed to tell my parents, we needed to start telling family. Other than my sister and one of Ben’s cousins (who also shared in our pain of not being able to conceive), no one else really knew.
The doctor came in. I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing. I felt like at any moment I was gonna wake up. Was this reality? My heartbeat was in my ears, again. Was this gonna be a continuing occurrence?
"At this also, my heart trembles and leaps out it's place." - Job 5:7
The doctor introduced herself, she also was Jamie. I joined Lesa near her head as Jamie checked her. There was going to be no ultrasound, as I was expecting. either way I was honored to be there. Lesa and Jamie began to talk about birthing logistics, and when she would need to head to the doctor. Lesa introduced Jamie to me - when Jamie asked if I was a friend. I felt so priveldge. Especially by how Lesa did it. She was so confident, she was proud..of me...of her decision in us. It was the first of many times Lesa would introduce me as the mother of her baby. Lesa then told her I would be in the room with her mom during delivery. Was this happening? We talked about it but to hear Lesa say it out loud was like making it crazy kind of weird.
After checking dilation and again joking about her mismatched socks, it was the moment of truth, more me anyway. I was going to hear him. It took a moment to find the heart beat, like slow motion. I prayed. My prayers were being heard in heaven..I could hear God whisper.."meet your son." I was silent, making sure I heard God correctly. Any worries of the health of baby boy or Lesa's legal right to change her mind, any that we're somewhere in my spirit, very quickly vanished with those words. Those words of truth and then, I heard my...son's....heart...beat...
He was in there...inches from me. I held it in as best I could only allowing the rims of my eyes to glisten - for those appeared before I could help myself.
We finished the appointment with instructions on hospital bag and rescheduling. I would be returning with Lesa for her next appointment a week later, upon Lesa’s eager request. We embraced again. And I left to head to work. On the way I called Ben with details but he couldn't talk till his break. I parked and like a stopped up dam, I bawled.
Lesa and I texted throughout the day. I was able to call Ben with details at lunch. He was excited..like any man..keeping a monatone voice, I knew he was excited but he's a guy. I knew once he held that baby, he was gonna finally lose his cool.
That evening I came home. Ben had incredible news. God had provided. Insurance had sent us a check to cover ALL and MORE than we needed to fix the house. That night, exhausted, I fell asleep like a satisfied - well fed baby. In the morning, we would begin home renovations.
My faith was increasing! I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning encouraged. I was able to HEAR and SEE the Lord was GOOD. God had not tuned me out. He heard every prayer, Ben prayed over us... every night.
"So faith comes from hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ." Romans 10:17
What have you been tuning out? Do you live your life by what you hear, by what you heard or by what you keep hearing? God never stops giving us directions, so we should never stop listening.
When we listen, our faith grows and when our faith grows we will be able to recieve the promise. We become qualified to recieve it..entrusted to recieve it...because were still seeking the Lord, not just what He can give us.
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