The night of Jan 23, 2011-- Time moved so slowly all night. I had so many things to think about. I was sure of them--Ben and Jamie were definitely the ones. It felt right, but my mind kept going over the lists that I had made. The pro's and the con's of giving him up.
My biggest fear--Divorce. What would I do if Ben and Jamie didn't stay together? I have seen so many couples fall apart. My mind tried to wage war on my peaceful soul.
I knew that It was better to take a chance of giving up Charlie to two parents and give him that CHANCE of having a Dad, then to keep him and NEVER give him that Chance.
"But I keep praying to you, LORD, hoping this time you will show me favor. In your unfailing love, O God, answer my prayer with your sure salvation." Psalm 69:13
After tackling my biggest concern, I dozed off in contentment.
Jan 24, 2011-- I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about what decision I was going to make. I strolled into the kitchen where my Mom was and I asked her what her thoughts were. We talked for a little bit and we shared comments about how perfect we thought Ben and Jamie were and how it would be hard to give up Charlie--but worth it.
I knew I needed to meet with Jamie again, so I called her and asked if she wanted to get lunch. She said she could meet me around 4:30 I told her that I would be there as soon as I dropped off my car at the shop since it still had a flat and a broken out tail light.
Meeting couldn't come soon enough. I was looking forward to just chatting and getting to know her. I was looking forward to confirmation that this was absolutely where Charlie needed to be. I felt like I had a split personality--my flesh and my spirit (which i didn't know at the time) but they were fighting...
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
I dropped my car off at the shop and realized I was running behind, so I asked my mom if she could drop me off at Mcalisters. She had to go to work and wouldn't be able to pick me up. I had no idea how I was going to get home, but I knew I couldn't miss out on this opportunity.
As we pulled up to Mcalisters, I saw that Jamie was already inside waiting on me as I was late--like always. I came up to the booth she was sitting in and dropped off my stuff on the opposite side. I asked her what she ordered and she told me that all she got was a cookie. It sounded good, so I got a cookie as well and ordered a large sweet tea.
I sat down across from her and we began talking. She was so polite and patient. We made small talk at first. After all I had been through with some fickle people giving me fake first impressions, I just needed to hear something real. She answered all my questions, no matter how seemingly insignificant they were, and by doing that she showed me something that no one else had--respect. She valued me as a person. Not just my baby. I could see that she wanted me to be just as comfortable with the adoption as I could possibly be.
She went on to pull out her lap top. I got out of my seat and sat right next to her as she continued to show me pictures of her house, her dog, and where the babies room would be if I chose her to be the mother. She had so much love. I could feel it when she talked and I could see it just by looking at the pictures. Here was a woman that was destined to be a mother.
As I got more comfortable with her, we started realizing that we had a lot in common. We talked about writing and doing crafty things. She was telling me about her blog and I told her about some of my poems that I had written. I told her about the poem I wrote about my confusion with this adoption and then about the first time I encountered Jesus.
After talking and laughing for almost two hours, she smiled real big, squished her face and her voice was a softer tone, and she looked me straight in the eyes and asked "Are you going to choose us? Are you going to choose Me?" I looked back at her shyly and answered with "If you want him, yes, I want you two to be his parents." She couldn't stop smiling and neither could I. I thought when I told her that she was the one that would be crying, but it wasn't anything that I have ever felt!
"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor." 1 Peter 5:6
It was such a joyful moment. I have never felt so much confidence in a decision. I know that it wasn't by chance that we heard about each other.
I remember something she said to me... the thing that touched my heart the most... When she came over to hug me--in a huge-bear-wrap-kind of hug--she said "Even if we weren't having your baby, you and I would be good friends."
I asked her to drive me to my car and I am so glad she said yes. I didn't want to leave. I could spend all day with her. On the drive back to my car, I couldn't think of anywhere I would rather be and I thanked God for placing all the right pieces in all the right places.
God has the ability to answer our prayers, and the authority to say no and the righteousness to know we must wait. We all have things we desire exact answers to... Do you find yourself in a place of trust and faithfulness despite the answer? Do you act in response to it or in pursuit of it?
"So be truly Glad. There is wonderful Joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while." 1 Peter 1:6
"Not Even By Happenstance" - Jamie's Take
January 24, 2011
My husband and I were confident and faithful. We knew that God had ordained us for this and much more in our lives and we were honored to be on the journey. It was Monday, the day after meeting Lesa. We we're working in the church office when my phone rang. It was Heather. In a ball of fury and excitement she began talking without any formal introductions, she went straight in. Explaining that she had found out from Lesa's mom at work that they loved us and that Lesa wanted to pick us! My heart flopped - as if jumping from one side of my chest to the other and back again. Ben was not in our office, but rather in the hall and so I called him in. Well I more like yelled him in.
We talked briefly in hopes to fill Ben in too. Then, said our hopeful and excited good byes.
What! This is insane! But I have to hear from her. In Heather's excitement she told me but it was more for Lesa to do herself, and Heather knew that. I would of done the every same thing and I wouldn’t wanted to find out any other way.
We still needed to hear from her. Ben and I, along with our friend, went to lunch. Where we again filled the conversation with the adoption and figuring out baby names. I couldn’t believe it all. I was picking out baby names that were actually going to a baby, that was gonna be born very soon, our baby!
Again, I still needed her to tell me. I needed her to call me.
Back at work. As I was printing some lessons. My phone, that was setting on top of the printer, so I couldn’t miss any calls, rang.
I was Lesa. She asked how I was and if we could meet her somewhere in Nixa, this evening. We chose a meet-in-the-middle soup and sandwich spot and figured a time. I let her know Ben was attending a pre-committed event with some youth and wouldn't be able to come, she was fine with that and we said our goodbyes. I was sweating! I ran all over the church dancing...and going crazy. Within minutes all of my coworkers knew, I think my dancing gave it away.
I went home and showered and got in my best 'I'm a cool, but chill, but very responsible and incredible mom outfit'. I packed my computer, full of all our pictures and headed to Nixa.
I ordered a tea and a cookie to bring home to Ben and sat down. Lesa was having car issues and I had to wait for her mom to take her to meet me. When she arrived I gave her a hug and she went to order. When she sat back down we started short conversation. I felt like the questions she was asking were more on the side of making me feel like she just wanted to get to know me rather than tell me something.
As the conversation went on I began to wonder if she wasn't sure or that she would wait a bit longer or for Ben to be around before she ever officially said anything. She was being vague. I showed pictures of our home and what would be the baby room. She moved to my side of the booth, and we shared some more pictures. She then began sharing with me some things she's written in her notes section on her social network site. She could write. I remember being close to her, not in a weird way, but I recall that the nearness of her felt right. My son in her belly, and the one sustaining his life, right next to me. I just wanted to hug her and never let go. I wanted her to feel her worth and my gratitude through my embrace. I felt the presence of God so indescribably much. As if all was right in the world. I knew it was divine. Ben wasn’t suppose to be there. This level of intimacy and closeness would not have happened otherwise.
She moved back to her side and we began to talk adoption. She told me her story, from when she found out to her first months, to the birth father, to the first family she considered for adoption then to us. I froze, my heart missed beats..
She took some sips of her tea and then kind of just stopped talking. As if she was done, but wasn’t. As if her lips couldn’t say what her heart wanted, what my heart wanted. She looked down at the table then up and me and kind of chuckled uneasy, then back down at her cookie to break off a piece.
I couldn't resist.."are you giving us your baby?"
I wanted to claspe my hands to my mouth.. But before I regretted my outspokenness, with glimmer in her eyes, she smiled and said,"if you want him, yes, I want you two to be his parents."
........I got up and practically jumped over the table between us and embraced her. I couldn't believe it but I could at the same time.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
"But I pray to you, Lord,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation." Psalm 69:13
I was gonna be a mother and Ben was gonna be a Father. God was good! We chatted a bit longer and she asked if I could take her to her car that was at a shop near us. Of course! I was willing to take her to the moon and back! She also extended the invite to go to the doctors appointment the next day. My jaw dropped. This was all happening! This was legit!
We laughed in the car and as I dropped her off I hugged her again. I made sure she was in her car and moving before I drove off. I called Ben in tears and could tell he too was amazed and grateful. When he spoke he was a bit choked up. This was all happening.
Lesa and I had exchanged numbers before parting and began texting throughout the evening. We were all excited. This was developing right in front of us and we were there for the ride. It was though this whole thing was finally rising...from so much pain and hurt..promises were being fleshed out and hope was evident!
"So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor." 1 Peter 5:6
My sister came to our house that evening, as I drove in after just meeting with Lesa. She brought with her a little baby bath robe, she picked up on her way. She was quick. Our son’s first gift. My sister and I - with Ben's reluctant approval headed to mall to get one outfit to celebrate. Everything would probably already be closed, however, I couldn’t wait.
God has the ability to answer our prayers, the authority to say no, and the RIGHTeousness to know we must wait. We all have things we desire exact answers to.. Do you find yourself in a place of trust and faithfulness despite the answer? Do you act in response to it or pursuit of Him? Be enduring..we never know when the promise will come or in what form.. But it is and will always be better and more abundant than we planned, dreamed or hoped for!
"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while." 1 Peter 1:6
We must endure to truly be qualified for what is entrusted to us!