I hesitate to write this entry....as if writing at 9:45pm didn't give it away.
This blog is intended to more or less show God and His faithfulness to flawed people who love Him. And coming out of a week and weekend of hearing God speak to me truths that have begun to sharpen my character as well as severe my pride - I very interestingly found myself today in the wilderness... Of my choosing. As if I had just went from a walk thru the parted red sea to land myself in the wilderness.
Though God is so graciously giving me His manna ..im not biting. Today I took off. Im sorry to the Lord now, and i soak in his unmerited forgiveness..however i find myslef a day wasted. Im gonna be real with you - hormones have played a huge part today (if you know what I mean)...with all of that..I had to make a choice today - though in my husbands opinion came far too late in the day - that I need not doubt that my God will perform...
I have to first believe that the God-I-serve's ways are far higher than my own...
That His intentions are to do good not harm...
But second that there is urgency for the things of the Kingdom of God...
And there lies my frustration.
Then I'm reminded - God's ways are HIGHER.
But then my mind shifts again, there's injustice! Wake up God! There's babies who need love, children who need food, kids, teens and women who need justice, women who need direction, Men who need convicted to rise to the occasion as Fathers and as husbands.
We need to be where were going - what's the hold up!
So whats the wait!
For the love...sell our home God! Sell our car! What's taking you so long???
Can they even sell - they both need serious work which requires some serious money! It's hopeless - it can't be done.
On top of that I'm not sure our marriage can handle overseas missions...shouldn't we have like awesome communication..and be like mega in love and perfect best friends.
And what about our family?
What the heck are all these forms? Missionary insurance?? Who's gonna be administering shots to my baby?
Why's it taking so long?
Why haven't You radically sent some old man to buy our home with cash money for more than we owe - who then says throw in the car for also more than we owe...huh?
And why the financial strain while we wait? Really? We're getting rid of everything and tithing? Where the heck are you!
Where's all the definite answers!?
"And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith." Matthew 13:58
And this is what I believe - this doubt that rises inside of me - that deminishes my faith and my hope in Him - it is keeping the swift from occuring. Not just by its existence but by its root. The root must be removed before this woman can be a fit servant of the Lord. Because these minor things - they aren't out of the reach of the Lord to do. The faith He wants to develop - the hope He requires - is the kind that moves mountains...the kind that releases captives - the kind that raises the dead. The very existence of my doubt removes the very possibility that God can use me sufficiently - it hinders the greatness God can entrust to me and it limits the MIGHTINESS of God.
See, where we are going - where God is taking us - faith to provide from the smallest to greatest - EVERYDAY - will be a qualification.
"To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless" 2 Samuel 22:26 AND Psalm 18:25
It is my choice to believe He will act. His grace has shown me He is capable. For He has done it before and it's in His character that better lies ahead.
Let this entry stand that God does use crazy hormonal flawed people like me...